Old Dogs + No New Tricks = Hilarious

I know that I’m not the most tech savvy person out there. But, I will try to get on board with the latest and greatest gadget. I am (reasonably) willing to learn how stuff works. Well, maybe not so much of HOW it works, but rather what I need to make it useful for me and my daily life. I think if you’re going to own a gadget, like a cell phone for example, you should really know how to use it. This does not make me in any way qualified to troubleshoot problems for other people. But somehow, this position has been bestowed upon me by some in the family. I’ve spent valuable moments of my life trying to explain how to mass-delete emails in the junk folder, how pushing the TV/Video button on a remote will not only take you to Video, but will also bring you back to TV, and this is my personal favorite, how to purchase airline tickets on-line. That last one was not as easy as you might think, or as it should have been, because I was on the phone with a relative, trying to walk her through it. I was on-line at the same time so I could see what she was seeing. I was directing her here and there, clicking and typing in her info, screen after screen. After several minutes, she informs me that she, in fact, was not sitting at a computer, but rather driving. And could I please email her the step-by-steps, so she can do it at home. No, I can’t do that. You can call me back when you get there. Ridiculous, yet true. So, here’s yet another case study for family dynamics and interpersonal communications. Enjoy!

The Players: Me, Auntie Betchausen, Brother Betchausen

The Problem: Ringtones and how to spot them

AB: Can you fix my phone?
Me: I’ll try. What’s wrong with it?
AB: I need to change ringtones.
Me: Ok, what’s wrong with the one you have already?
AB: It makes me miss a lot of calls.
Me: Huh? How does it do that?
AB: Well, it plays Fur Elise and I get distracted and just start dancing to it, so I miss the calls.
Me: Uh-huh. Ok, let’s pick out one that you won’t dance to then.
AB: How do you find them?
Me: You just click this, then scroll down to here, select that, and see? There’s a whole list of them for you to choose from. Here.
AB: No, you do it for me.
Me: Well, I don’t know which one you want.
AB: Can you just scroll through each one? I’ll tell you if I like it or not.
Me: Fine.
AB: No, I don’t like that. No, not that one either. Mmm, try another one.
(This went on for several, long, agonizing minutes)
Me: Ok, that’s all of them.
AB: Go back to that last one. No, back one more. No, one more. Yes, I like that!
Me: Alright, it’s selected.
AB: Thank you.

Folks, if you think that’s the end of the story, you’re sadly mistaken. A week later, we were having lunch together with my bro. I was running late, but called to let them know I was on my way. Of course, no answer and it went to voicemail. Here’s the exchange that occurred in my absence.

AB: I think your sister just called, but my phone died. Can you look at this?
BB: Sure. Auntie, you turned off your phone.
AB: Oh, I did? There’s an Off button?
BB: Yes, right here. Ok, there. It’s on now. Looks like you have a message.
AB: Oh, I have a lot of them.
BB: How do you know that?
AB: I don’t know how to check them or delete them.
BB: You don’t check your voicemail?
AB: No.
BB: Uh-huh.
(I arrive)
Me: Sorry I’m late. I called to let you know I was on my way, but I just got your voicemail.
AB: I know. I didn’t realize my phone was ringing and then when I did, I missed your call.
BB: She thought her phone died, but she accidentally hit the off button.
AB: I didn’t even know there was one!
Me: Did you not hear your phone? Was your phone buried in your purse or something?
AB: No, I just didn’t recognize that it was MY phone ringing, because I don’t like the ringtone.
Me: But, you picked out the ringtone.
AB: Yes, but I don’t recognize it when it rings. I was going to ask you to change it again.
Me: What do you want to change it to?
AB: I don’t know. Could you scroll through them again?
Me: Right now? Can we do this later?
BB: Oh, and she doesn’t know how to access voicemail either.
Me: Is that why you won’t return my messages?
AB: I don’t know how to do that.
Me: Ok.

I’m going to spare you the rest of this conversation, as it was so painful that my blood pressure is starting to rise just reliving it. It took another 40 minutes to select the proper ringtone, proper volume, and give a tutorial on message retrieval. I know what you’re thinking. Boundaries. Don’t get all Dr. Phil on me, ok? I endure it for the stories. For you, gentle readers. Because I just can’t make this stuff up.

Word up, Betches!